Want
St. Andrew’s Abbey, Valyermo, CA
by Alea Peister
On the refectory’s cinderblock wall light gathered
over Mary’s eyes. Leaf-shaped shadows rustled
on the bricks beneath her feet. Mother of God
under the monastery’s beamed ceiling you held
your Child close and you watched me. I expected
to find peace. My desire was anywhere
but with you. I wanted someone who didn’t love me.
I wanted him like violence. Mother
of Christ, Mother of so many, I found shadows
under turbulent nights. Under darkness
towering aspens cast shadows and I carried
my knife of wanting lodged somewhere near my heart
through double darkness. Wind poured
through leaves with a rush of sound
that told the same secret I found
in your eyes. What do women know of wanting?
I take its knife before I know it isn’t love
and then I can’t expel it – can’t find relief –
Next morning the trees are still, replete with light.
I eat breakfast. I sip coffee. In the refectory
you watch me. You are so still. Mother
I could swear you know desire, could swear
I see it in your eyes. How are you at peace?
Leaf-shaped shadows gather beneath your feet.
The way they fall along the concrete wall
is endless
Alea's writing has been featured in Whale Road Review, Relief, Ekstasis, The Curator, and Art for the Isolated. She lives among the palm trees, bustle, and sunshine just south of Los Angeles. You can follow her on Instagram at @alea_peister, and on Substack at aleapeister.substack.com.
